I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
