Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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