I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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