he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize