her vagina looked like bernie madoff
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
