I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
