You just made me feel so damn special
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Randomize
