Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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