it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize