i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
