He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
