Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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