I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
