My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
