she woke up with a sticky ear
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
