someone threw a dead crab at me
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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