he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
