there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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