Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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