i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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