omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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