I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
