sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
