The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
