I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
