The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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