They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
