he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
