Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Is her dick bigger than yours?
All I want is dick and wine.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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