ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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