There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
