Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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