i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
My balls are so social today.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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