i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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