apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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