i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
