Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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