I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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