someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
