I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
