New low: just hacked my moms facebook
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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