Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
