She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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