Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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