Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Randomize
