Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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