Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
