OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
