3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Never joke about your clitoris.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
