how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize