I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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