how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
