I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
