I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I just had sex on a roof
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
