You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I understand Curling. That high.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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