If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
