Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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