you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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