I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
