Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
