I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Randomize
