I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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