I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize