Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
