Your mouth is God's brothel.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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