: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
