Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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