she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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